


things i will tell you (when i get the chance)

by Yukari



Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: DO NOT read if you're not spoiled on p5r, M/M, MASSIVE ENDGAME SPOILERS, angst? with a happy ending i suppose, i really don't know how to tag this, if you know you know, the song...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2019-11-18
Packaged: 2021-02-08 08:24:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21472999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yukari/pseuds/Yukari
Summary: In which Ren writes a song.
Relationships: Akechi Goro/Amamiya Ren, Akechi Goro/Kurusu Akira, Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist, a little bit of ann & ren being best friends
Comments: 28
Kudos: 140





	things i will tell you (when i get the chance)

**Author's Note:**

> hello!! p5r absolutely ruined me, so i just had to write something for it. i remember someone pointing out Ren seemed to have some piano app on his phone, so... i couldn't specify anything in the tags, but yes, the song mentioned is "our light". its beauty overwhelms me so here i go

"You're not really acting like yourself lately, you know." 

"Huh?" 

Ann's remark wasn't something he expected to hear right now, while studying with her for his last exams at Shujin. But now that he thought of it, her asking for help specifically him, after such a long absence… was definitely suspicious. He just missed that fact earlier because she was the easiest to be around lately and he enjoyed her presence.

"Dunno how to put it, really…" She gave him an apologetic look from across the table. "We couldn't really talk after destroying Maruki-sensei's reality, and after you came back from juvie… You don't behave differently, but I can feel it. Something's wrong. You're hard to read, but… you're my friend, and I needed to at least try asking."

Ren's response was silence. He didn't really know how to comment on it. He was really trying to not let anyone know what he was going through, but it looked like… he wasn't doing too well. 

"I'm alright, Ann. You know, just dealing with… stuff," he muttered when the girl continued to stare at him. "It's been a long year." 

"Well, you have a point here," she sighed, before reaching out and taking his hand, stopping him from nervously playing with his pen. He didn't even notice he was doing it. "But I wish you wouldn't try to avoid answering honestly. I… I'm sorry, but I actually talked to Makoto about this. She said it's probably trauma… You've been through a lot more than us. The interrogation… then the arrest again. Just thinking about it…"

_ Oh. _So that's what she was thinking about. For a moment Ren felt relieved. Of course, dealing with it was hard, but… he was managing. Somehow. Aside from the fact that even seeing a needle would give him a panic attack, and passing by a cop on the street seemed like a life-threatening situation at this point. 

He would be alright, one day. 

"It's not like it can be undone. That would be missing the point," Ren shrugged.

"Makoto said you should probably think of getting a therapist, but.. I don't think that would come easily for you after what Maruki-sensei did." Ann cracked a half-hearted smile, but he wasn't even looking at her anymore. 

_ What Maruki-sensei did. _

Oh, he did so much. And Ren didn't even know how to judge that. 

_ It hurts. It hurts. It hurtsithurtsithurts _

"Ren? Ren, what's wrong?" Ann's worried voice brought him back to reality. 

He didn't notice how tightly he was clutching onto her hand. 

"Did I say something…?” She asked quietly, before stopping mid-sentence, as if reading the answer from his face. He didn’t like that. “Ren… Is it something about what happened back then? In Maruki-sensei’s reality?” 

He stayed silent, squeezing her hand. His grip probably hurt but she didn’t complain about it. 

Ann looked a little scared of her realization, but she continued to stare into his soul.

“Ren, I know it might be insensitive to ask now… but… back then, it was obvious what our wishes were, but… in your case, I’m still not sure, and there was no time to ask,” she said gently. “What kind of dream did you see?” 

Using his free hand, Ren took his glasses off to rub at his burning eyes, suddenly feeling like he was about to cry. He didn’t want Ann to see this, but if he had to take off the glasses… it was obvious something was wrong, wasn’t it? 

_“Why do you even wear them? You don’t need them, right?_ _Personally, I like you better without them. They just hide most of your charm.”_

_ “Flattery won’t get you anywhere, Akechi-san.” _

_ “Flattery? Oh no, I wouldn’t bother with that. I mean it.” _

“It wasn’t anything special. Nothing could be done about it,” he said, aware of how resigned he sounded. His thoughts went to the black leather glove stuck in his pocket. Still waiting. 

“Anything speci…” Ann’s eyes suddenly widened. “Oh god… Is it about… _ him _?” 

Ren just nodded. No point in hiding it, no point in pretending. 

“I loved him, Ann,” he whispered. “I still do. So much.” 

_ So much I almost ended up selfishly forcing my will onto him, just so I wouldn’t lose him again. _

“...I should’ve known. It was pretty obvious, now that I think about it. You two were so close,” Ann said, sounding a little choked up, as if she wanted to cry for him. “I’m sorry, Ren. I’m so sorry…” 

“It couldn’t be helped. He decided that it’s what he wanted,” Ren replied, having to bite at his lower lip to have an attempt at controlling himself before continuing. “He wanted to be free. If I, of all people… tried to force him into something again…” 

“You don’t have to say it. I understand,” she interrupted him. He wasn’t sure if she actually did, or just stopped him out of kindness. She let go of his hand, standing up, walking around the table and shoving herself onto the spot next to him. Then she opened her arms, as if inviting him to do something. “Come on, free hug. I feel like you really need one.” 

“You don’t really-” 

“I want to. Just accept it.” Ann smiled at him reassuringly. “You’re one of my best friends, Ren. I love you.” 

Hearing those words felt strange. As if after a long battle, someone finally told him to rest. It melted his hesitation completely, as he let Ann pull him closer and lock in a gentle embrace. 

She was warm. Well, of course she was, she was a living person… The way she held him was comforting. Felt safe. Natural. 

Holding Goro was different. So, so different. It was awkward, and he clearly didn’t know what to do with his hands. As if nobody ever hugged him before. When he held Ren back, it was desperate, way too tight for a simple embrace. Because with Goro everything was about the time they had, the way everything was trying to pull them apart, the quiet yearning that could never be satisfied. 

“It’s okay, Ren. I know it’s not much, but you’re not alone. We’ve got this,” she said, caressing his back. “You don’t have to keep it all in…” 

“What else am I supposed to do then…?” Ren forced out. He didn’t really know how to handle all of that. It was still too fresh, too…

Ann moved away from him just enough to look him in the eyes. 

“You need some healthier outlet. It’d probably be hard to just talk about it.” She gave him a sympathetic look. “Ryuji would probably just suggest taking up some sport as a stress-relief but that would be really stupid.”

“So, what do you suggest?” 

“You need to… get this out, somehow, you know. I suppose you’re not much of a writer?” 

“That would just turn into a long tragedy. Doubt that would be healthy for me,” he let out a short, bitter laugh. He couldn’t even bring himself to write about Goro in his journal. 

“What about something short though? Just for yourself. Like poetry?” She suggested. “You can’t just keep going on like this.” 

_ Just for yourself. Just to get it out. _Maybe she was right. Maybe giving his feelings a form would ease the pain somehow. 

Just maybe. 

“...I used to write songs. A long time ago, before coming here,” he said, earning a surprised expression from Ann. “He… loved music. He even took me to see a live performance… I think it would make him happy… if I wrote one for him. Even if it ends up being bad.” 

He could swear Ann’s eyes turned glassy for a moment, before she quickly recollected herself and smiled at him. 

"See? That’s always an idea. I’m… sure he’d appreciate that,” she said. “And come on, it definitely won’t be bad if it comes from the heart.”

_ Sometimes a heart produces the ugliest desires, _he thought, but didn’t say it out loud. Ann knew that, too, and it wasn’t what she meant. She was just telling him… to clean up the mess his heart was.

“I… Thank you, Ann. I think I needed this. For someone to actually call me out,” he muttered. 

“It’s okay. You helped me a lot more, so I can at least… you know. Be here for you,” she replied. “Whenever you need me, okay?”

“I’ll try to remember about that,” Ren said, trying to smile back at her.

She left not long after that. It turned out that studying really was just an excuse to talk to him without anyone else interrupting… Ren couldn’t even be mad. He just went upstairs and dug an empty notebook out of one of the boxes. He wished he had the access to the piano he had at home, but downloading some software later would have to do. 

Morgana was spending the night at Futaba’s. He was doing it a lot lately. Maybe he just had enough of having to watch Ren wake up after another nightmare. 

Opening the notebook, he began to stare at the empty page. He didn’t actually know what to write. He was never the one particularly good with words. 

_ “You really are a man of few words,” Goro said, looking at him from under his bangs. “And yet everything you say is fascinating. Strange.” _

_ “I don’t really feel like I say anything relevant…” He muttered, tugging at his hair in embarrassment. “I don’t think anyone else would find it meaningful.” _

_ In response, Goro let out a hum of understanding. _

_ “Maybe it’s because they don’t know how to interpret it.” _

_ “H-Huh?” _

_ “Even without words, you say plenty. Your looks, your gestures… Unspoken words that can be heard only when reading between the lines,” he said, sounding very proud of himself. “I think I can read you quite well at this point.” _

_ “You’re the opposite,” Ren muttered, earning a wide-eyed expression from him. “You talk a lot, and yet you’re so hard to read. If anything… this is the fascinating thing.” _

_ “In other words… I’m too talkative and I’m losing your attention?” _

_ “That’s not what I meant. I’m listening to everything you say… and I’ll get under your mask one day, Crow.” _

_ “Well, I’d like to see you try, Joker.” _

_ He was definitely going to try. Because even if he wasn’t the detective here, Goro was a mystery he wanted to solve. He wanted to learn so much more than he knew, and keep listening to him even if he felt like most of the things coming from him were lies. _

Finally pressing the pen to the paper, Ren began to write. 

_ In the night where I dreamt of a dream, _

_ I closed my eyelids staring at you. _

_ If I woke up all the things that I lived through, your voice... _

_ Would disappear together with the sleepiness. _

_ He almost drifted off to sleep when he felt Goro shift, then sit up. Not hesitating even for a moment, he reached out and grabbed his hand. _

_ “Don’t go. Stay for the night,” he whispered pleadingly. “Don’t leave me.” _

_ “Ren…” The other boy muttered, looking down at him. His eyes were soft, voice even softer. His free hand found its way into Ren’s hair, brushing through it gently. “I should go. I shouldn’t have stayed at all, you know it.” _

_ “Bullshit,” Ren replied. “I’ve wasted enough time. If I only have so little left… I don’t want to regret anything.” _

_ “The day after tomorrow, everything will go back to normal. You shouldn’t get used to this.” _

_ “That’s not it, Goro. You know this.” _

_ “...and here I was, trying not to make it worse for you, like an idiot.” _

_ As if giving up, Goro moved to lie back down, not even complaining when Ren scooted closer to rest his head on his chest, and holding him tightly instead. _

_ Even if it was only for one night, what they had wasn’t an illusion. With the sound of Goro’s heartbeat lulling him to sleep, he wished he didn’t have to wake up in the morning. _

The tears that fell onto the paper weren’t a surprise. He didn’t even realize he was squeezing the pen so tightly that his knuckles turned white. Not even trying to stop himself, he rested his forehead against the desk, letting the silent sobs overtake him. 

He didn’t even remember the last time he actually cried. There was always something, Morgana accompanying him, or the feeling of being constantly watched when in juvie. 

It was stupid how he couldn’t even mourn the person who meant so much to him.

Finally crying actually felt good, he noted to himself. 

_ “Is there really no way for you to go back? With us? With me?” Ren asked, watching Goro put his coat on. Despite his wishes, morning came, and the other boy was about to leave. _

_ “Who knows? I wouldn’t get my hopes up,” he replied, his tone not expressing much. He was back to acting like this didn’t really matter, but Ren knew. He knew that in the end, Goro was scared too. His hands were trembling slightly as he put his scarf around his neck. “Let’s just get this over with. Remember, you already decided.” _

_ Ren’s decision was based on wanting to respect Goro’s wish. Not what he himself wanted. _

_ “I’m not going to say goodbye though. That would be very anti-climatic,” Goro added, giving him a smirk. _

Wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand, he forced himself to turn his attention back to the notebook. 

_ Even if we’d never meet again _

_ Even if the time that has passed should transform into pain _

_ That pain will guide me _

_ Towards the stars of the sky that shine above me. _

Ren wanted to see him. So, so badly. Not in the “even just once more” kind of way. He wanted to be with him, just like that. 

Suddenly, something fell onto the wooden floor with a soft sound. When he looked down, a single leather glove was laying there, after falling out of his pocket. He quickly picked it up and pressed to his chest, holding like most precious treasure. 

Because that’s what it was. 

_ “You still have it, right?” Goro asked, just before walking out of the cafe. “The glove I gave you.” _

_ “Of course I do,” Ren muttered. He wouldn’t lose it or throw it away, never. _

_ “Keep it then. We still didn’t have the rematch, and there’s no time to think about it now,” he replied, sounding a little amused. “You know how much I hate the idea of losing to you, right?” _

_ “What are you talking about…?” _

_ “Interpret this as you wish. See you later, Ren,” he said, finally leaving, and Ren was alone in the empty cafe. _

_ Morgana would probably come back soon, but for now, he was left to figure out the implications of Goro’s words. _

_ “Wouldn’t get my hopes up…?” he mumbled to himself. “Asshole.” _

Clutching the glove in one hand, he continued to write.

This wasn’t a song of goodbye. It was his ‘what if’, as if to spite Goro, who hated those what ifs. 

Not a song of goodbye, but… a song of longing. 

A song about love. 

With that in mind, even though said song was still unfinished, Ren scribbled its title on the side of the page. 

_ Our Light _

*** 

~2 years later~ 

“People always act as if moving in with your partner is such a happy moment, but all I can think about is how I need a shower. And a full night of sleep,” Goro grumbled, putting the last box on the floor and pushing the stray strand of hair that fell onto his face behind his ear. 

“Come on, I can tell that despite everything, you’re still happy,” Ren laughed quietly, watching his frown deepen even more. Well, they did go through some trouble, considering Ryuji’s car broke down while he was helping them move their things, and that they forgot the keys to their apartment from Leblanc… 

“You wish. It’ll take me a while to get used to this place and be able to call it home,” he muttered, not sounding very convincing. Especially since Ren knew how excited he was about them finally having their own place. Their own little family. 

“Dunno, for me… home is the place where we’re together,” Ren replied, moving closer and pressing a kiss to Goro’s cheek, causing him to look away in embarrassment. 

“So sentimental,” he sighed. “What’s even in this box? It’s kind of heavy…”

“Oh, this one…” Ren winced a little upon recognizing it. “It’s just… full of stuff I couldn’t get rid of, I guess? It’s mostly just things my friends gave me back in high school… Sentimental value, you know.”

“Just like I said. You’re embarrassing.” It was Goro’s turn to laugh as he decided to sit down on the floor and pull at the tape securing the box. “Let’s see what’s inside… What the hell, Ren.”

“What? Already judging me?” Ren sat down next to him. Hearing him comment on all the junk he accumulated could be fun.

“What’s with this stupid swan boat?”

“Hey, it was a gift! I think it’s pretty cute.”

“And this?” Goro asked, pulling out the “I <3 Tokyo” shirt he got from Futaba. 

“I never actually wore this, if that’s what you’re asking about.”

“Thank god. This?” Next he picked up the poster he got from Ann. 

“Some of Risette’s songs actually slap?”

“Any excuse will sound good to you,” Goro laughed. “Hmm…? And what’s this?”

His hand dived into the box, pulling out an item Ren completely forgot about. 

An old notebook. He admittedly didn’t use it much, but he didn’t have the heart to throw it away. 

“Oh, it’s… uhm… that’s mine, actually,” he forced himself to say. “I mean… it’s not a gift. Or it could be, in a way, but… from me…”

“Are you okay, Ren?” Goro asked bluntly, his hand finding his way to Ren’s cheek. “I don’t have to look at what’s inside. Us dating doesn’t mean I have to know ever-”

“No, it’s okay,” he replied, taking a deep breath. All the memories kind of came back rushing to him… He was just glad to be able to feel Goro’s touch right now. To be there with him. 

It wasn’t a dream. It was real. They went through so much to finally end up here, and they made it. They earned the future together that they wanted so badly. 

“I wrote it for you, after all,” Ren added, smiling a little before leaning forward and pressing a short, sweet kiss to Goro’s lips. “When I thought I wouldn’t get the chance to actually say it.”

Goro’s eyes widened a little as the realization dawned on him. Not saying anything more, he opened the notebook on the first page and began to read. 

“_You put a stop to that sweet, sweet fairytale kingdom… that is the distorted world where I met you _ ,” he read out loud, not knowing the melody, maybe not even knowing it’s a song… but clearly understanding the intent behind it. He shifted closer to Ren, so they were leaning against each other. _ “And, with it, to the mouth that preaches that it’s fine to accept a false happiness…” _

Recalling the melody himself, and not even feeling embarrassed (of what? It was just Goro. His Goro.), Ren began to quietly sing the next lines. 

_ “When the morning will come and I will begin to remember, you will be gone… But even if it will be painful, I will go on and walk along the path that I’ve chosen for myself, towards the stars of the future I awoke into.” _

When he stopped, for a moment it felt as if the entire world around them was silent. 

Goro wasn’t loud when crying. His anger was loud, but his tears were quiet. Ren wasn’t even sure if he’d notice that if Goro wasn’t trembling slightly while pressed into his side. 

“I can do it now, right?” Ren asked, reaching his free hand out to put it in Goro’s hair and brush through it gently. “Say how much I love you.” 

“Right now… Yes, I think that’s acceptable.” His reply was barely a whisper. He probably didn’t trust his voice. “You really… back then… you…”

“All I wanted was for you to stay with me, and that’s what I’m getting now,” he said, shifting slightly to pull him into a proper hug. “Unpacking all these boxes tomorrow doesn’t sound very fairytale-like though.”

“I’ll make you do that as a compensation for emotional damage,” Goro mumbled into his shoulder while clinging to him. “Look what you did. It’s your fault.”

“Yhm, sure, sure. It’s okay, just let it all out.”

“Insufferable.”

“Maybe. But you’re tolerating me.”

“Do I have any choice? Fate loves putting us together, that bastard.” He snorted quietly, but then his voice became serious again. “Ren…?”

“Yes, honey?”

“Back then… It was the same for me. I had no other wish,” Goro said. “Aside from you.”

Ren knew. Somehow, he knew this. But hearing it spoken out loud was a different thing. Warmth filling his chest, he pulled away a little, sliding down until his cheek was pressed against Goro’s heart. 

“How nice that our wishes align, then,” he whispered, closing his eyes and listening. It became sort of a comforting habit, to just listen to Goro’s heartbeat. 

A fairytale ending wasn’t what they needed, no. Both of them were fighters by nature. Unless they carved it with their own hands, a happy end would hold no meaning. 

Maybe that’s why right now he felt happier than ever before. 

**Author's Note:**

> can you hear me crying in the distance


End file.
